Funny New Year Quotes: 11 Sourced One-Liners and 60 Funny Wishes to Send

In 1911 Ambrose Bierce's The Devil's Dictionary defined a year in nine words: "A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments." More than a century later it is still one of the funniest New Year quotes in English, and it shows what the good ones have in common. They are short, they are a little bit mean about the calendar, and they are never mean about the person you send them to.

The short answer: the best funny New Year quotes are one-liners about resolutions, willpower and the year itself. Five you can send tonight, each traced to its source below:

• "YEAR, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments." (Ambrose Bierce, 1911)
• "I can resist everything except temptation." (Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere's Fan, 1892)
• "Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits." (Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson, 1894)
• "I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours." (Jerome K. Jerome, Three Men in a Boat, 1889)
• "An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in; a pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves." (Bill Vaughan, December 31, 1963)

This page has 11 funny quotes checked word for word against the original books and newspapers, with a note on who said each one and who it suits, plus 60 funny New Year wishes our editors wrote for texts, cards, coworkers, partners and the group chat. One famous "Mark Twain" joke didn't make the list, and the section near the end explains why.

Which Kind of Funny, for Whom

Sending to…	Kind of joke that works
Best friend or group chat	Teasing about the year you shared, inside jokes, Bierce
Coworkers and your team	Jokes about work, inboxes and Monday; Jerome
Boss or a client	One light line, then a sincere wish; Vaughan
Partner	Jokes about the two of you, never about their resolutions
Parents and family	Gentle, a bit corny, safe to read aloud
Yourself (caption)	Self-roast about resolutions; Wilde

The rule under every row: joke about the year, the calendar or yourself. The moment the joke is about the other person's weight, drinking or love life, it stops being a New Year wish.

The Devil's Dictionary on Years, Habits and Willpower

Ambrose Bierce was a Civil War veteran and San Francisco newspaper columnist with a famously dark sense of humor. He wrote his satirical definitions for newspapers over many years; the first part came out as a book called The Cynic's Word Book in 1906, and the full alphabet appeared as The Devil's Dictionary in 1911.

"YEAR, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments."

— Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary (1911)

The joke works because it is written like a real dictionary entry, flat and official, and the punchline is the noun. It fits a friend who had a rough twelve months and can laugh about it, or your own end-of-year post. Pair it with something warm so it doesn't read as gloomy: "Bierce called a year 365 disappointments. You were not one of them."

CopyShareSave image

"ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure."

"RESOLUTE, adj. Obstinate in a course that we approve."

"HABIT, n. A shackle for the free."

— Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary (1911)

Three more entries, all about the things people promise on January 1. "Abstainer" is the one for a friend starting Dry January; "Resolute" is a fair description of anyone sticking to a plan you happen to like; "Habit" is a five-word caption for the gym selfie. Bierce kept his definitions short, so they fit a text without trimming.

Oscar Wilde on Good Resolutions

Wilde gave most of his best lines to charming characters who say outrageous things calmly. In The Picture of Dorian Gray that is Lord Henry, the older friend who talks Dorian out of every good intention he has.

"Good resolutions are useless attempts to interfere with scientific laws. Their origin is pure vanity. Their result is absolutely nil. … They are simply cheques that men draw on a bank where they have no account."

— Lord Henry in Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray, chapter VIII (1891)

Lord Henry says this just after Dorian learns that Sibyl Vane, the actress he dropped, has died, so in the novel the speech is chilling rather than cosy. Out of context, the last sentence is the one people quote, and it is perfect for a resolution post: a bad cheque is a promise with nothing behind it. Use it for yourself, not for someone who has just told you their plans.

"I can resist everything except temptation."

— Lord Darlington in Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere's Fan, Act I (first staged 1892)

Lord Darlington says it while flirting with Lady Windermere in the first act, and she answers that he has "the modern affectation of weakness." It is the shortest resolution joke ever written and works as a caption under a photo of a dessert table on January 2. A close relative, also from Lord Henry in chapter II of Dorian Gray: "The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it."

CopyShareSave image

Eight funny lines about resolutions, written by our editors, for your own post or a friend who will laugh at the two of you:

• My resolution is to keep last year's resolutions. They're barely used.
• New year, same me, slightly better snacks.
• Resolution update, January 2: going great, mostly because it's January 2.
• This year I'm going to be more decisive. Maybe.
• I resolve to drink more water, and also to stop announcing it.
• Wishing you the willpower to keep your resolutions, or the good sense to pick easier ones.
• Here's to a year of goals, plans and at least one gym visit we can both brag about.
• My only resolution: fewer resolutions. Already nailing it.

Mark Twain's New Year, 1863 and 1894

Twain was 27 and writing for the Territorial Enterprise in Virginia City, Nevada, when the paper ran his short New Year's Day piece. Our New Year quotes page uses its line about "paving hell" with resolutions; this is the sentence that comes right after it.

"New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls, and humbug resolutions, and we wish you to enjoy it with a looseness suited to the greatness of the occasion."

— Mark Twain, "New Year's Day," Territorial Enterprise, January 1, 1863

"Friendly calls" was the custom of visiting neighbors on New Year's Day, and "humbug" means fake. The best part is the ending: after making fun of the whole holiday, he tells readers to enjoy it anyway. That turn makes it a good fit for a party invitation.

"Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits."

— "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar," epigraph to chapter XV of Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson (1894)

Each chapter of Pudd'nhead Wilson opens with a fake almanac saying by the book's small-town lawyer, and this one sits over a chapter called "The Robber Robbed." It is the sharpest thing anyone has written about the urge to make resolutions for other people. Send it to the friend who already has a self-improvement plan for you, or use it to laugh at yourself.

Funny New Year Wishes for Coworkers, With Help From Jerome K. Jerome

New Year's Day 2027 is a Friday, so most people go back to work on Monday, January 4. That first morning is when work humor lands best.

"I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."

— Jerome K. Jerome, Three Men in a Boat (To Say Nothing of the Dog), chapter XV (1889)

The narrator says it while complaining that he always seems to do more than his share of the work on their boat trip up the Thames, and he goes on: "I love to keep it by me: the idea of getting rid of it nearly breaks my heart." It's safe for any office, because the joke is on the speaker. Put it at the top of a team message on January 4 and nobody will mind.

CopyShareSave image

Seven safe-for-work lines for a team chat, an office card or a colleague's desk:

• Happy New Year! May your inbox be small and your coffee strong.
• Wishing you a year of short meetings and long weekends.
• New year, new password. Good luck to us all.
• Here's to another year of pretending we read the whole email.
• May your 2027 be free of "per my last email."
• Happy New Year to the person who makes Mondays less Monday.
• Cheers to twelve more months of you knowing where the stapler is.

For clients and customers, keep it to one light line and a sincere wish; our professional New Year wishes are built for that.

The Optimist and the Pessimist at Midnight

Bill Vaughan was a humor columnist for the Kansas City Star whose short quips ran in papers across the country. The phrase researcher Barry Popik traced this line to Vaughan's "Senator Soaper Says" column of December 31, 1963.

"An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in; a pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves."

— Bill Vaughan, "Senator Soaper Says," December 31, 1963

It is the best line for a toast, because everyone in the room is staying up for one reason or the other. It also works as a text at 11:59 to a friend who is still awake for the wrong reason. Many sites print it without a name, or with a different one; it is Vaughan's.

Six funny toasts and lines for the party itself:

• To the new year: may it be better than the old one, which is a low bar, so let's clear it.
• Raise a glass to everything we survived and nothing we'll admit to.
• Happy New Year! I'm staying up for the optimistic reason. Mostly.
• Ten, nine, eight… and whatever we said we'd do this year, starting tomorrow.
• Here's to the friends who stayed until midnight and the ones who left at 10 and were smarter.
• Cheers! May your resolutions last longer than this champagne.

Short Funny New Year Wishes for Texts and Captions

A lot of people looking for funny New Year images or GIFs just want a line short enough to sit on top of one. These are under fifteen words, so they fit a picture, a story or a text sent at 12:01.

• Happy New Year! Same jokes, new calendar.
• 2027: loading… please wait.
• New year, who dis?
• Out with the old, in with the slightly less old.
• I survived another year. Applause is welcome.
• Happy New Year from my couch to yours.
• Let the countdown to next New Year's begin.
• Resolution: be more like my dog. Nap more, worry less.
• Fresh year, same snacks, zero regrets.
• Wishing you a year with fewer passwords to reset.
• Happy New Year! Don't forget to write 2027 on everything for the next three months.
• This year I'm going to be on time. Starting next year.

For Friends and the Group Chat

With close friends you can tease a little, as long as the joke is about something you both did. Specific beats clever.

• Happy New Year to my favorite bad influence. Let's keep it going.
• Another year of you putting up with me. You deserve a medal, or at least dinner.
• Thanks for being my friend in 2026. Your contract has been renewed automatically.
• To the group chat: may this year bring fewer "who's in?" messages that nobody answers.
• Happy New Year! Let's make the same plans we made last year, and maybe do one of them.
• I'd wish you a new you, but I like this one too much.
• May your year be as good as our stories make last year sound.
• Here's to another year of laughing at things that weren't that funny.

Funny New Year Wishes for Your Partner

Keep the jokes about the two of you as a team. Teasing a partner's resolutions in public almost always lands badly.

• Happy New Year to the person who will hear me complain all year and still kiss me at midnight.
• Another year of you stealing the blanket. I'd sign up again.
• New year, same favorite person, same argument about the thermostat.
• My resolution is to love you more. It's going to be hard; I'm already at maximum.
• Happy New Year! You're the only plan I didn't cancel.
• Thanks for another year of laughing at my jokes, even the ones from 2019.

For Parents, Siblings and the Family Chat

Family humor should be safe to read aloud at the table, including by grandparents and kids.

• Happy New Year, Mom and Dad! Thanks for raising someone this funny.
• To my sibling: another year of me being the favorite. Sorry.
• Happy New Year to the family that eats all the leftovers and blames the dog.
• Wishing our family a year with more group photos where everyone's eyes are open.
• New year, same family chat, same 47 good-morning GIFs before 7 a.m..
• Happy New Year! Let's all agree to finally fix the Wi-Fi password at Grandma's.

The Morning After and Belated Happy New Year

January 1 is a slow morning for most people, and "Happy New Year" is still fine for about the first two weeks of January.

• Happy New Year! I'm sending this from under three blankets.
• First nap of 2027: complete. Great year so far.
• Belated Happy New Year! I was busy getting used to writing 2027.
• Happy New Year, a little late. My resolution to be on time starts next week.
• Is it too late to say Happy New Year? Asking for me.
• Still on holiday time. Happy New Year whenever you're reading this.
• Happy New Year! We're one week in and I'm still undefeated at doing nothing.

A Twain Quote Twain Didn't Say

Almost every list of funny resolution quotes includes "Quitting smoking is easy. I've done it a thousand times," credited to Mark Twain. Quote Investigator, which traces quotations to their first printed source, found no real evidence that Twain said it. The earliest version of the joke it found was about gambling, in Harris Dickson's 1905 novel The Duke of Devil-May-Care, and W. C. Fields used a drinking version in his radio "Temperance Lecture" by 1938.

So if you use the joke, leave the name off, or write "an old joke." The quick test for any funny quote you find online: search for the exact wording plus a book or newspaper title. If nothing but quote sites and images come up, it is probably not as old, or as famous, as the caption says.

How to Write Your Own Funny New Year Message

Most funny wishes follow the same three steps:

1. A true, small thing about the year. Something the two of you will recognize: the group trip, the new puppy, the office printer.
2. A twist. Exaggerate it, or flip it around so it becomes a mock resolution or a fake award.
3. One real wish. End sincerely, in a few plain words, so the message isn't only a joke.

Worked example. Step 1: your friend spent half of 2026 training their new puppy. Step 2: "Congratulations on raising a dog who now runs your entire household." Step 3: "Happy New Year. I hope 2027 gives you a full night's sleep and a few more walks together." Put it together and it reads like you, not like a list.

If you're writing in a card, put the joke first and the sincere line just above your name. If it's a text, send the joke on its own and the wish in a second message.

Jokes to Skip

• Diet, weight or gym jokes about the person you're sending to. Joke about your own instead.
• Drinking jokes to a boss, a client, someone in recovery, or a family chat with kids in it.
• "New year, new you" to someone who didn't ask for a new them.
• Inside jokes in a group card where most people won't get them.
• Jokes about someone's hard year, unless they made the joke first. For that, a kinder line works better; our end of the year captions have a section for a hard year, and Christian New Year wishes cover a more reverent tone.

Quick Questions

What is a catchy New Year quote?

One that is short and easy to repeat. Bill Vaughan's "An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in; a pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves" and Oscar Wilde's "I can resist everything except temptation" are two of the catchiest, and both are easy to trace.

What's a funny inspirational quote?

Mark Twain's "Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits" is funny but has a real point: start with your own resolutions. Jerome K. Jerome's "I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours" is the other way round, a joke that motivates by making you laugh at yourself.

What are some fun and unique New Year's wishes?

The ones with a true detail in them. Pick something real from their year, exaggerate it, and end with one sincere wish, as in the three-step method above. "May your inbox be small and your coffee strong" is a safe start for coworkers; "Your friendship contract has been renewed automatically" works for a best friend.

What is a cool way to say "Happy New Year"?

"New year, who dis?" is the short, jokey version for friends. For a card, "Same jokes, new calendar" or "Here's to another year of you putting up with me" sound warmer than the plain greeting and still say Happy New Year.